Irish Tradition

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.

He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine--I just quit drinking."

Big Mike

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, "Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'!"

The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly, the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull.

Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish.

"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.

"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'."

The One About The Danish Chambermaid

Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he got near her, she ran away from him.

One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request in her ear. To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that night.

"If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away from me?"

"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra towel!"

Two Black Eyes

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I pushed it back in."

Memories

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."

The Magician's Parrot

There was this magician who did an act for vacationers. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a trick, "AWK! The card is up his sleeve," or "AWK! He had the bird in his pocket," or "AWK! He slipped it through a hole in the hat."

One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. For three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, "AWK! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

The Moose Hunters

These two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two mooses.

"I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two mooses last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness.

"Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

The One About The Actress

The eminent acting teacher was telling his students about the worst actress he had ever seen. She couldn't find work until she married a rich producer who included her in all of his shows.

One of his plays was the stage adaptation of "The Diary of Anne Frank," where her portrayal of Anne was so wretched that when the Gestapo came to take her away, the few people who were left in the audience stood up as one and shouted, "She's in the attic!"

The tale of the bell ringer

This, corny as it is, is one of my favorite old jokes.

Quasimodo, the church bell ringer, is looking for help so he can take a day off. He starts interviewing people, and this guy with no arms shows up.

"You can't ring the bell, you have no arms," says Quasimodo.

"I can too, give me a chance," begs the no-arm guy.

"Well, let's see what you can do," says Igor.

The guy runs, and jumps at the bell, and smashes his head into the bell and it rings loudly. Quasimodo is thinking this guy might work out when he takes another jump at the bell and misses. He falls out of the tower to his death.

Quasimodo goes down to where there's a crowd gathered and the priest asks him, "Who is this, Quasimodo?"

"I don't know," Quasimodo replies, "but his face rings a bell."

The next day, Quasimodo is still interviewing, and another guy with no arms shows up. He wants the job.

"No, no," says Quasimodo, "it's too dangerous if you have no arms!"

The man pleads and pleads. He tells Quasimodo that it was his brother who died yesterday, and it is a matter of family honor that someone succeed at this job. Quasimodo is still doubtful, but he allows the man a try.

The man runs and jumps, smashing his head into the bell. He is successful a few more times, but then he, too, misses, and falls out of the tower to his death.

Quasimodo sighs and goes back down.

"Who is this, Quasimodo?" asks the priest.

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Probably the best Boudreaux joke I know

Okay, Boudreaux was out fishing one day, when he looked around and realized he forgot his bait. He's in his pirogue, not too far from the bank. Looking over, he sees a big black moccasin on the bank, with a bullfrog the size of a baseball in its mouth. Boudreaux reaches over and snaps that moccasin up, gripping the neck so that snake can't bite him. He pries that bullfrog out of the snake's mouth and drops it on the floor of the pirogue.
"Now what I'm gonna do?" Boudreaux asks himself, the moccasin whipping about in a frenzy. Then he has an idea.
Boudreaux reaches down and gets his bottle of moonshine and drops just a few drops in that moccasin's mouth. The moccasin immediately goes slack, and Boudreaux tosses it back on the bank.
Boudreaux goes to slicing up that bullfrog, and is about to start baiting his troutline when he feels a little nudge on his leg.
Boudreaux looks slowly down, fearing the worst, and there's that moccasin, holding two more bullfrogs in its mouth.

Joke of the Day - 7/12/10

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

--Heard during a phone call with my pal Al, during which he related the detail of the lives of himself and his family. Al was recently injured in a fall, but he's missed no work over it, despite doing significant damage to his knee.